The item, wrapped in a box that was big enough to use as a Labrador’s coffin contained a bundle of joy – a ‘Ninja mini chopper.’
The blades are sharper than lemon-infused Kumquats and its power is, pound for pound, the Manny Pacquaio of the appliances sector: It snarls and bites and, if anything, is too good.
Putting my plums in for a quick whirl and being a little too eager on the ‘go’ button resulted in a red-tinged mush and the realisation that this tool was a beast in princess clothing.
I then took a moment to survey the scene in our kitchen. The implements and gadgets that are designed to make life easier and which, somehow, do little but take up space on the worktops on the off chance that someone will use it in the next six months before the mould sets in.
There were blenders which wouldn’t look out of place in the Ann Summers catalogue, coffee machines that now smelt of ‘off’ coffee, and coffee bean grinders which I used once before it opened up my system like a lion attacking a banana and rendered me glued to the porcelain for an hour or two, as well as electric knives and thermometers.
And then I explored the cupboards and was delighted to see items that I haven’t used in years as, well, I had forgotten I owned them, as I vowed to give them a damn good cleaning before resurrecting them into the daily use domain by the close of play Friday.
The egg omelette maker is a joy, despite it taking two hours to clean afterwards as the non-stick coating somehow tricked the word ‘non’ into the description.
But the crème de la crème, the daddy of all kitchen appliances, must be none other than the Breville deep-fill sandwich toaster.
Packing two slices of bread fully laden with marmite, cheese, ham and a slither or two of vine-ripened (what does that even mean?) tomatoes before pressing the catch down in a Geoff Capes style and hearing the click before burning the house down as it gets crisped to a cinder is a joy to behold.
So yes, the mini chopper is a thing of wonder, but sadly may soon end up in the under-the-kettle cupboard graveyard as the sandwich maker makes a return from the dead, only to go back in once I burn the inside of my mouth again on an item that is as hot as the molten lava-esque McDonalds apple pie.
- Brett Ellis is a teacher.
