[Editor’s note: Steve Burgess is an accredited spin doctor with a PhD in Centrifugal Rhetoric from the University of SASE, situated on the lovely campus of PO Box 7650, Cayman Islands. In this space he dispenses PR advice to politicians, the rich and famous, the troubled and well-heeled, the wealthy and gullible.]
Dear Dr. Steve,
Premier Doug Ford announced the Ontario government had acquired a fancy Bombardier Challenger jet for his official use, then almost immediately said it would be put up for sale following a public outcry. Meanwhile fuel prices and shortages caused by the U.S.-Iran war are making air travel and transport more expensive. Is that why people were so angry, Dr. Steve?
Signed,
Standby
Dear Stan,
Private jets — for politicians, they are the devil’s candy. For a few sweet moments, Kristi Noem had one. The erstwhile Department of Homeland Security boss and pooch plugger flew around the United States in a $70-million jet, complete with luxury bedroom and Corey Lewandowski, her DHS colleague and rumoured cuddle bunny. Alas for Kristi the Klown, her wings were clipped. Her jet is now being used by Melania. There is one in-flight movie, and it is mandatory.
The sordid example of Kristi and Corey, Dr. Steve believes, could be why Air Dougie was shouted down so vociferously. In his own defence, Ford claimed that the Quebec government also bought private jets. However, those jets turned out to be medical transports.
Of course, no one is suggesting Ford wants a jet so he can fly high on the wings of love. The Ontario premier just wants what all of us want right now — a reasonably priced flight where the pretzels are not only your legs when you try to get up to use the bathroom. Good luck with that.
And as usual when we are served a complimentary shit sandwich, the flight attendant is President Donald Trump. He has done for global aviation what he once did for the casino industry. Captain Kangaroo, who got a $400-million jet from Qatar and paid them back by taking a baseball bat to the hornet’s nest on their front porch, has managed to drive fuel prices higher than Kash Patel at a bachelor party. Now we are all paying the price.
Some people are cancelling travel plans, while others seek alternative means of transportation. One such option is teleportation. Gregg Phillips, head of Response and Recovery at the U.S. Federal Emergency Management Agency, claims to have teleported on two occasions, once to a Waffle House. This is a potentially huge breakthrough. Teleport those oil tankers from the Hormuz Waffle House and America’s problems are over. Naturally it won’t just be teleportation to the Waffle House — IHOP will want to get in on it as well. It will be a truly international house of pancakes when your Rooty Tooty Fresh ’n’ Fruity platter just beamed in from Slovenia. (There are possible drawbacks, of course. As Jeff Goldblum could tell you, teleportation is the only way to Fly.)
When Trump was told of Phillips’s bizarre claims, he said, “I don’t know anything about teleporting.” Ooh, bad sign. Usually Trump knows more about anything than anybody. If he says he doesn’t know anything, it’s usually about U.S. war crimes, Jeffrey Epstein or Eric Trump. Sounds like Trump is throwing Phillips under the teleporter. Perhaps Trump was upset because the Waffle House Phillips claimed to have landed in was located in Rome. True, it was Rome, Georgia, but still, where Trump is concerned you want to avoid any hint that you’re having pancakes with the Pope.
One way or another, we all just want to know where we’re going. U.S. Energy Secretary Chris Wright recently told an audience, “Just because it looks like we’re going in the wrong direction doesn’t mean that’s the direction we are going.”
Did you get that? If so, seek medical attention. Premier David Eby put it more sensibly this week when he told reporters, “It is absolutely possible, as a leader, to move off confidently in the wrong direction.”
Ford was just saying, wouldn’t it be more pleasant to take that ride in a private jet? ![[Tyee]](https://thetyee.ca/design-article.thetyee.ca/ui/img/yellowblob.png){kind=small}
