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I’m married a year this summer and I’m wondering if I did the right thing. My husband used to be an outgoing, fun, guy, always up for adventure and travelling and things like that. 

We had a whirlwind romance and we got married within eight months of meeting each other.

Since we got married, he seems to have changed, he’s working longer hours, he doesn’t seem happy in work, and he has become very distant towards me. 

We are both nearly 30 and we had been planning a big party, we made a joke at our wedding that we’d see everyone again for the big Three-Oh! 

I’ve tried approaching him, saying we need to organise the venue and we had always planned to invite everyone who was at our wedding (it was small) to our joint 30th birthday party. 

But he keeps fobbing me off, I don’t want to be the only one driving it, but I’m really hurt that he isn’t excited about it like I am. 

He’s always on the phone and he is not loving or attentive with me, and I’m sick of it. My friends say I should I give him an ultimatum about the party, what do you think?

I think you’re in a tough place with no simple answers and it’s also unchartered waters which can be a cold and lonely place to be, but to me, the fact you want to do something about it and are not willing to give up is a positive thing. 

Some people would have had enough by now and moved on, not you or maybe not yet. You are looking for answers, and I believe you are entitled to get them, but they might have a sting in them.

Whirlwind romances can be great and exciting and really nobody can say whether they work or not, some do and some don’t, it’s as simple as that. 

The fact that ye got married would tell me that this was more than one of those. Marrying after eight months isn’t a big deal for me when you are both almost 30, now if you were 18 and getting married at all, or even after eight months, I’d be sending a flare up.

The whirlwind part of all of this is not the problem for me at all, it’s what happened after that is what we need to look at. 

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You say your husband has changed. To be honest, we all change after getting married, or after going out with someone for a long time which I think is natural, the thing here is that it seemed to have happened not long after getting married. 

I wonder why? Did something happen that you don’t know about? I think a lot of people’s minds will go straight to ‘Is there someone else?’ 

This might be the case, but realistically we don’t know so don’t go there. You can’t worry yourself about something that might not have happened.

That said, then why is he working longer hours and being distant towards you? You need to find out why. 

Whatever about working longer hours, not being loving or attentive with you is a big problem and you are very hurt over this. This can’t go on. You can’t live like this, nobody can. 

Also is there something on his phone that is drawing him in more than you? I know again this might seem like there is someone else, with him being on the phone all the time, and I’m trying very hard not to go down this road, but he is not making it easy. 

But I’ll say it again, we don’t know, so this is where you start.

It’s time now for a sit-down, this is not going to be easy, and you might not want to hear what is said, but we are drawing a line in the sand here one way or another. 

No more fobbing off and I’m not talking about the party. The 30th birthday party is dead and gone, forget about it. Even if it went ahead now, the spark of it is well over. 

This is what’s going on with you, and you have to ask him are we going to change things, or are we going to go our separate ways? As I said, this is not going to be easy. 

Find the friend you trust the most, tell them what you’re going to do and have her or him on standby.

There is clearly something up, now this could be anything. Yes, there could be someone else or he might be sick and doesn’t know how to tell you. 

He might be used to going on this journey alone all his life and doesn’t know what to do. Nobody knows what’s really happening here, only him! 

From your letter, it is clear that communication is not his strong point, but he will have to explain himself one way or another. Whatever it is, it will have to come out on this occasion. 

I wouldn’t go straight in with an ultimatum like your friends want, the discussion needs to happen first and then if your back is against the wall and he keeps fobbing you off that’s when you say, I can’t live like this. 

As you’ve said, you’re sick of it, and so you should be. You are a young woman, and you should be enjoying life, that’s what it is there for.

You didn’t mention if you wanted to have children, but let’s say you do. How do you think that would work out? I’m sure you thought of this. 

I know you’re looking down the road to the future and really, we need to be making things easy for ourselves not harder. 

High up or low down the future of your relationship depends on the answers you get. You need to be happy with them, at this stage, I wouldn’t take any flaky bullshit answers, we are gone way past that. 

He needs to know what he’s done and how he has made you feel.

Be strong and stick to your values. Follow your gut, don’t settle for half-measures!

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