My (35/F) sister (25/F) has a bridesmaid (25/F) gone rogue.

I will preface this by saying my parents gave my sister a choice: she gets a sum of money either to pay for her wedding, or to get set up with a house. My sister wisely chose to have the house, so her wedding is going to be a rather small affair she is paying for solo. I’ve been doing as much as I can to help with keeping her costs down (which, long story, was a lot).

She asked me to be her maid of honor, and our brother, one of the groomsmen.

My sister has a bridesmaid who is a friend from college, Janet. I never cared for her, finding her rather rude and selfish, but its my sister’s wedding, and I’m quite good at dealing with people. I ended up friending her on facebook.

The first issue between us came at a get together my sister hosted. Janet made a pointed comment to her boyfriend in front of me, saying she was surprised at my sister’s bridesmaids, that if she was getting married, she would be sure that her bridesmaids were “thin, young and pretty”. It was obviously directed at me, as Janet and the other two bridesmaids are both very thin and younger.

Frankly, it didn’t bother me as a dig, I’m comfortable with my appearance and age, (and I’m a 22 BMI, so not unhealthy weight). It may have been due to the fact that I’m gay, and don’t go for traditionally “pretty” looks.

The next issue though, came with the bridal shower. I planned it with two cousins. Janet decided last minute to plan a vacation over this time–and convinced another of the bridesmaid that it was really “family only” and that she wasn’t welcome, despite being invited. She also posted a link to a thing about the top stupidest games played at showers on facebook.

If I wasn’t sure this was intended maliciously towards me, I was after the bachelorette issue, which happened recently. Initially, I was told by another bridesmaid the party was going to be the 10th, and that it was going to take place at a certain restaurant/club. Now, this club is literally down the street from me, and I actually own a small portion of the business.

I was excited, saying that I would make sure it was amazing. A few days later, Janet messages me and tells me that the party was ACTUALLY planned for the 17th, and that it would be taking place at another location, and involved mall shopping and a male strip club. Now, I had posted that I would be out of town on business the 17th, and neither shopping nor a strip club appealed to me,

so I said that it would be a shame I was going to have to miss it. The afternoon of the 10th, my sister posts on facebook that she had just been “kidnapped” for her surprise bachelorette party. A bit later, one of the other bridesmaids sent me a message, asking me what I could do to make the party-taking place at my restaurant-special.

I questioned her, and she was under the impression that I had said I wasn’t interested in attending the party. Obviously, Janet had actively lied to me to keep me out of the party. At this point, I could talk to my sister, but I didn’t want to drum up any drama when she already was stressed out over wedding things. So, I kept quiet.

It is now three weeks out from the wedding. Today, my sister has sent me a whole series of messages Janet has sent her. Janet has questioned, made snarky comments, etc, over every aspect of my sister’s wedding. From the choice of music (too cheesy) to the transportation (Janet wants a limo) to the order of things (she wants the first dance later in the reception).

I’ve told my sister to ignore her, that it is her wedding, and when Janet gets married she can make her own decisions. But my sister is second guessing herself and freaking out that her low scale wedding isn’t good enough. My sister has a history of anxiety disorders, so this is not a good thing for her. A week ago, she was really happy about her choices, now she’s crying and breaking down.

Right now, I don’t know if I should tell my sister the way that Janet has been treating me. It might make her understand that this is Janet’s problem, not hers, or it could cause more issues. I honestly want to give Janet a piece of my mind, but I think that could only make things worse for the wedding and for my sister. All I want is for my sister to have a good wedding. I don’t know how to fix this issue so that happens.

tl;dr: Sister’s bridesmaid is being rude and controlling. How do I help?

Update:

Everyone’s suggestion pushed me over the breaking point. I met with my sister today for breakfast. She was a crying mess, second guessing everything about her wedding. I asked if this was because of Janet’s comments. She said yes, and let me read all of Janet’s texts and fb messages to her. Janet has been ripping my sister apart.

I’m furious by this time, but my sister needs a big sister, not an avenging angel. I told my sister the stuff Janet has pulled on me. She was horrified, and kept apologizing. Then she got angry. The next two hours were a bitch fest about stuff Janet did through college. I seriously don’t understand why my sister is friends with this girl. She has been universally miserable to everyone.

Finally, I ask point blank if she wants to kick Janet out of the wedding party. My sister says no, that she feels she needs to keep her promise and that it’s too late to kick her out now. My sister didn’t get the same vengeful asshole gene that I did.

So I ask her what she DOES want. After thinking, she says she wants Janet to just leave her alone until the wedding. Done. I can be a butch fairy godmother and make this wish come true. I take my sisters phone, send Janet a text saying that at this point all the wedding decisions are final, so there’s no sense talking about them.

Oh, and because my sister will be so busy between now and the wedding, all communication and messages should go through me. Then I blocked Janet’s number. I sent the same message on Facebook, and blocked Janet on messenger, then unfollowed her feed. Finally, I sent a Facebook message and text through my account.

Afterwards, my sister just brightened back up. We ended up having a fun afternoon at a Halloween attraction. I got one message from Janet, saying she doesn’t believe that my sister blocked her. There was also a passive aggressive message on her Facebook, but at this point my sister would have to actively seek it out.

Just before writing this, I called my mother and my brother (who is a groomsman). We are all livid, but respect my sisters decision to keep Janet in. However, we are going out of our way to make sure we pull family rank and make sure things are great for my sister. Generations of passive aggressive people have lead up to this. You don’t mess with my family.

I’ll take any suggestions on how to block Janet from making any other issues!

tl;dr: Told my sister about her bridesmaids rude behavior. Got family involved. Going to be one hell of a wedding.

UPDATE #2:

The wedding was Saturday, and I thought you would all like to hear how things worked out. Following everyone’s suggestions from the first update, I contacted all the vendors, etc and told them not to take any input from anyone not me or my sister. Including the pastor, who my sister has admitted befriending and coming to for advice.

He was surprisingly awesome and I ended up telling him the whole story, and got him upset about things as well. A few days later, I get a call from the DJ, who says that someone else called to question some stuff about the reception, namely the timing, which I knew was a sticking point for Janet.

Later talking to the venue, they said someone talked to them. In both instances, they gave the answer that all that should be directed to me. Meanwhile, I’ve been watching Janet’s facebook, and found rather passive aggressive posts that seemed to be pointed towards my sister and I. I ignored them, my sister maintained no contact.

A week before the wedding, I get a text from Janet, asking “What should I do with Christopher. We have two hours where I’ll be busy with pictures he will be alone”. Now, I didn’t know she had a child, and didn’t think my sister had arranged any child care, so this seemed totally a pertinent question.

Without thinking, I replied that I was sure there were some cousins who would be happy to babysit, and that it would be wise to pack a bag of stuff if he was too young to entertain himself for 2 hours. Then I messaged my sister. Christopher is Janet’s boyfriend. It was an honest mistake, but kind of hilarious. Janet didn’t message me back.

Before the rehearsal, I made sure Janet had the full schedule for the weekend. I sent it through text, email and facebook message. She responded maybe twice on the group message I sent. The day before the rehearsal, I sent her several texts reminding her to be at the church at 5.

Of course, she wasn’t there. Everyone starts talking about it, and I guessed at this point word had gotten around that Janet was being a pain, and the general consensus was disgust and relief. The pastor and I talked, and he pulled my sister aside and said they would make plans if Janet just wasn’t there. It wasn’t really a big adjustment. One groomsman would instead escort in the groom’s grandmother.

We do a run through, the pastor calls for us to do another quick run through of walking and seating. And the doors open and there is Janet. I think she thought she was making an entrance. Instead, everyone–grandparents and parents and bridal party are all shooting her the dirtiest of looks.

The pastor, to his credit, put on his best, dripping with disdain, Professor Snape voice and said “You must be Janet. We thought you weren’t coming” and waved for her to get in line. She seemed cowed, and stayed very quiet. Afterwards, she tried to rather loudly claim that she had no clue what time things were. This was quickly disproved thanks to the texts I had saved.

She is, at this point, just hanging all over my sister, sort of sniveling. We were meeting at a restaurant nearby for the rehearsal dinner. It literally was within walking distance, and most of us just wandered over. Somehow, Janet drove and managed to be late to the dinner, claiming to be lost. She ended up sitting by the groom’s family. For the start of the dinner, she sat arms crossed, like a petulant child.

Then she started drinking–way too much. Thankfully, she was far enough away that my sister and her husband didn’t really notice her antics. As we left, I think every single person there reminded her to be at the hotel to get ready by 10, especially my brother. She kept nodding and uh-huhing. I sent a few texts and facebook messages for good measure.

Of course the next day–no show. We had a hair dresser set up in the suite, and she did all our updos, then hung around for a while before packing up. This is about when Janet finally arrived. I think my sister by this point was so done with Janet’s shit she didn’t even get upset.

Now, to get this next part, you have to understand I have long hair that I always wear in a tight French braid, then curled into a bun. Most people never see my hair down. For the wedding, my sister wanted these pinterest discovered, loose braided hair down styles. When she had said braids though, Janet had complained that we would all look like “dykes” like me.

So, I answer the door with a rather nice hairstyle down over my shoulders, makeup done professionally, dress on. Janet literally has her hair wet, no makeup, and her dress in a bag. When she found out the hair stylist and makeup person was gone, she flipped. I recommended that I could just braid my hair like I wear mine everyday, and she just shot me dirty looks.

Instead, Janet ended up having a half hour to basically dry her hair and pull it in a ponytail. The next little thing was totally passive aggressive on my part. When my sister and I had our heart to heart, my sister admitted that Janet sold jewelry through some pyramid scheme. She had strong armed my sister into buying a jewelry set, which she didn’t terribly care for. I told her that I would take care of it.

I went through a connection and ended up renting a vintage set of jewelry, pieces far nicer than anything I could afford. On the day of the wedding, they brought it to the hotel, and it brought my sister to tears. When Janet showed up at the hotel, there stood my sister glittering in diamonds instead of the plastic pieces she coaxed her into.

I knew too this entered a temptation for Janet’s power play. So, I also contacted a guy who works at a friend’s nightclub as security. The guy is quite professional, and looks like he could be a male model. I paid him to walk around, supposedly to be security for the necklace. Really though, he was there in case Janet pulled anything, and to keep my sister a bit more stress free.

Also, he ended up making my sister feel like a rockstar, needing security. All that was left was for Janet to behave like a petulant child. Which she did, in spades, pouting and making photos difficult. I asked the photographer to place her end of the row, in case my sister decides to have her edited out. That’s my sister’s choice, but it’s prepared if she so chooses.

My security let me know Janet left right after dinner at the reception. None of us noticed. My sister lifted the blocks for Janet online on the flight for her honeymoon. She hasn’t made any contact since, or made any acknowledgement of the wedding or honeymoon pictures.

When my sister gets back, I’ll talk to her about their friendship more. Thank you everyone for your excellent suggestions and thoughts. They helped me to make my decisions, and everything seems to have worked out. tl;dr: Bridesmaids attempts to mess with wedding are blocked. Family for the win.